A Borrowed Angel

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“If tears could build a stairway, 
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.”

feet&hands

“Someday, we’ll be together”

When I received the news that I was an expecting father, it was the happiest moment of my life. So many emotions ran through my body from joy, bliss, and excitement. I was left in shock at an awe for words thinking this truly could be happening, as I was waiting for someone to pinch me to wake me up from this dream, I realized that this was real. As I drove over to my girlfriends house that evening to embrace each other and our new blessing together my mind was in a million places. I found out when I was at work making it almost impossible for me to stay focused however I managed to get through the remainder of my shift. This would be my first child ever, the first bundle of joy I would provide my parents, in utter awe I met with my girlfriend and we drove to the beach. It was an exciting time for me as so many thoughts crossed my head of what was to come in 40 weeks and how my life was about to drastically change. Although nervousness did also come over me whether I would be a good father, what was the game plan once the baby was born, and how we were going to make this work with our work schedules I knew that where there is love all is possible.

She was six weeks pregnant at the time and we weren’t expecting or trying to have a baby at the time together, it was a blessing that arrived by surprise. Confirmed with a positive pregnancy test by the hospital we eagerly awaited and despite our baby not being planned made a conscious decision together to love our child with all our hearts giving it the best life one could ask for. Whats done is done, for me there is no other “solution”, except to take responsibility for a child created and give it my all. I am not for abortions, only in select cases of rape or medical risk to mother if child is born, therefore that was out of the question. Maria also decided that regardless planned or not, we would make this work. I knew she would be an excellent mom as I would be a father. It’s interesting how your whole life changes in the second you know that a being made of both your flesh and blood will be coming in to this world. So many racing feelings overcame me as well of thoughts including will it be a boy or girl, will he/she look like me, and what will it be like the moment I hold our baby in my hands for the very first time ?

In my previous relationship with Amairany from Tijuana, we were trying to have a kid, but it never came to be. Although we tried and tried over again it just simply was not happening. I had come to the conclusion at that time that I must have been sterile and kids were just not a possibility. That is why when I found out my girlfriend Maria was pregnant, it was an amazing feeling. I know how much my parents care about my nephews and how much joy a grandchild has brought to their lives. I also know how much responsibility a child is however both myself and Maria together were ready to accept that challenge. As weeks went on the excitement only grew however reality also began to set in. Maria is older than myself and other risks are associated with women above a certain age giving birth. In addition to the usual risk their was a whole new list of things that we would have to worry about however decided we would take it one step at a time. We knew the risks of losing a baby but never thought it would happen to us. We were going to wait three months to make the announcement as that is a big hurdle to overcome in the pregnancy process however as more time went on and the excitement grew more, we made the decision that it was fine to share the news. I informed my parents that they would be grandparents again soon and that their child who was diagnosed HIV positive almost three years ago would be bringing a new Middleton into this world, a perfect and healthy baby.

I discussed out the course of action with my infectious disease doctor on how we would make sure that our baby was born healthy and HIV negative. He assured me that as long as Maria remained negative there was no risk for the baby, the mom has to be positive in order for there to be a risk of transmission. If at any time she did become positive then current HAART treatment reduces the risk tremendously , there hasn’t been a case of a child born HIV positive here in the US for a long time due to current medical advancements. With my mind put at ease and the plan of action to simply continue to get Maria tested throughout this process to ensure all was well, the excitement continued to grow. My parents were absolutely thrilled and although not the picture perfect “ideal” situation of bringing a baby into this world in terms of not being married, work, ext… They offered their full love and support. Although the prospect of miscarriage was in the back of our minds we didn’t put too much thought into it. After all due to the factors involved their was only a 5 % chance of conception as it is therefore we had overcome something so great, how could anything stop this bundle of joy from coming to be now after all of this. As pregnancy hormones kicked in as did the nausea, I helped Maria out the most I possibly could to ensure she was as comfortable as possible. We began to look at baby clothes and toys, thinking to ourselves, is this really happening? What is this for, do we need one of those, gosh so many decisions. Although we didn’t commit to buying anything as we were still awaiting the three-month risk period for the first trimester to be over, it still just added to the essence of the moment that soon we would be parents.

Now speed up in time to Valentines Day, February 14th , 2015. A day of love, roses, chocolates, and balloons. A hallmark greeting card field day where love is in the air and passion sparks in between couples across the globe. As with many couples I was together with my girlfriend that evening enjoying the night hanging out. I even made a home-made valentines day gift that was a special token as I this was our very first valentines day together I wanted to get something outside of the “norm”. We had a wonderful evening as a couple and spent the celebratory romantic evening together.

The following day I would find out the news that changed my life forever. Our precious baby who never got to be held in the loving arms of his parents, only feel our love, passed away in the late evening of February 15th. It was an emotional experience that feels as if life itself has been sucked out of ones body. A friend of mine told me when a baby is born and you see your girl giving birth it is if a part of your soul goes into them, however, in our case a part of my soul had left. I was devastated and am still having a hard time dealing with it, our angel baby went far too soon. We even had names picked out if it would have been a girl Esmeralda Isabella Middleton and if a boy Giovanni Noe Middleton. Our baby left us at approximately 10 weeks of age, right at the tail end of the first trimester. It’s hard to explain the feeling for those who have not went through it. Words cannot explain the hurt that I have felt due to our precious baby being taken in the blink of an eye. The joy that was once over-flowing your mind and spirit suddenly turns into a gray gloss of sadness and tears. Why could God allow this to happen? What reason could possibly exist that our child who was going to be coming into the arms of loving parents would have to leave so soon ? When will I know these answers or will I ever know ? Why exactly did this happen, was it something we could have prevented ?

It is an individual experience for both the male and female as the woman has to cope with not only the physical feeling of emptiness and loss however also the emotional aspects of a precious child that never reached this world in a physical form. There is also the experience of the couple as a unit going through this process together. I am a firm believer life beginning at conception. Our baby was so much more than simply a fetus but he or she was a baby angel that got to skip this whole world and go on to a much better place. It hasn’t been easy and we are both still coping, as with anything, their are the ups and downs. I have experienced mild depression due to the miscarriage therefore am taking various steps to help move forward in light of this tragedy. It hits home to me because it was such an exciting time , the thought of a mini me, the thought of going through this process together with someone I truly care about.

So many different factors play into this for myself as an individual living with HIV. As I have had previous experience of not being able to produce a child and now one is finally on the way, simply to be taken away. I am with a girl who is very supportive of me and someone living with HIV however will it ever happen again ? The possibilities of conception were so low to begin with that we beat all odds, only to be overcome by them. I understand that anything is a possibility and with God anything is possible however the future is unknown. No one can be for sure that another baby will come about and even if so nothing can replace our baby that now resides in heaven. I would give anything to bring our baby back if I could. I’ve always been the one to say that everything happens for a reason but when you lose a child due to miscarriage with no explanation as to why it happened it makes you reconsider that phrase. There is No reason our child had to go so soon, a precious baby that was coming into loving arms. Their are so many kids in this world in need that are without homes, hungry, in abusive families, and yet they were allowed to be born. A miscarriage brings forth a test of inner strength as well as the relationship, faith, and coping methods to deal with grief.

In memorial of our precious baby I decided to get a tattoo on my left forearm representing a blessing that never came to be in the earthly physical sense. Below our baby is the miscarriage/child loss awareness ribbon which is both blue and pink to represent male and female. We will be planting a tree at my cabin in Big Bear along with a small stone or stone bench that will have a saying on it along with the names. I’m also in the process of writing a poem that I will publish when I feel I am ready to that commemorates the baby. Every year on 10/21/2015 I plan to release a set of balloons to send up as a present to our precious child. She may have never gotten a birthday with us here on earth however she was born into heaven perfect and innocent. I have decided to start therapy myself for a short period of time as I work through the grieving process, even the strongest warriors, need to reach out for support when necessary. Part of being strong is knowing when to ask for help and a therapist will help work through the array of emotions this has brought upon me through these last couple months.

Myself and Maria are working through our loss one day at a time and would like to send thanks to all who send their love and support. I know I would have been an awesome dad and her an awesome mom however I am at peace knowing our child is with a father that can give him so much more than I ever could , it still does not make it easier. I will survive through this, when life throws us punches, we must continue to fight. I will not let this define me however it is a significant event in my life and one I will never forget. For many men they do not express their hurt over a miscarriage as much or stay silent about it in fear people will look at them as weak. I know I may be more emotional than the average man however have learned the hard way that miscarriage majorly affects the man as well. I can only really give my perspective on things as going through a miscarriage as a female has so many other aspects however I continue to cherish and support my girlfriend. This may be a tragic event however I know a beautiful baby came out of it that we will one day see and celebrate as we are all together again. You’ll always live on in my heart precious angel, daddy will be home when the time is right. Until then be good and know that your daddy and mommy love you so much!

Feel free to contact me by going to the contact tab at top of website as make sure to check out www.positivelite.com which continues to support me by republishing my blogs and helping getting my perspective out there to the world. Have a great evening everyone and always remember their is always hope, even when HIV Pozitive !

4 thoughts on “A Borrowed Angel

  1. Hola Joshu buen día te quiero contar algo que me pasó y quiero saber tu opinión resulta que un amigo que vive cerca al amazonas tuvo cáncer de hígado y está diagnosticado con vih, tomó un menjurje algo que le dieron no se todavía exactamente qué. Después de esto se ha hecho tres pruebas elisa y ha salido negativo para elisa teniendo en cuenta que la proteína detecta elisa nunca se borra de nuestro cuerpo, yo también soy seropositivo. Obvio que le quiero indagar más a mi amigo, pero quiero saber tu opinión. Es algo muy muy raro

  2. Thank you for sharing this story of love and loss. Joshua. Once again, you are taking your own challenges and turning them into something that can help someone else. I appreciate your writing and advocacy a great deal. Thanks again, and I wish you both the healing you deserve.

    1. Thank you for your support and loving words during this difficult time Mark. I am still struggling with it day to day and fighting depression along the way. It definitely hasn’t been an easy journey, one of the hardest ones yet, however I will get through it. I know our angel baby is up above smiling sending hugs and kisses to his mom and daddy waiting for the day we all meet again 🙂 Have a great week Mark

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