Today marks a very significant day in my journey with HIV, two years ago today I received the news that I am HIV positive. I had so many thoughts going through my head, so many emotions, I didn’t know how I would carry on to the next day let alone years later. I was still learning what being positive entailed, broken inside, and confused as what were the next steps to take. The fifth of June for me was filled with tears, anguish, and distress. I still get emotional to this day about the event; despite me making the most of it, it was a life changing event. It all is a like a slow motion film including being told by my doctor, the confirmation test, the drive home, disclosing to my parents, and disclosing to my ex girlfriend. In a matter of an instant my life had changed, at the time I thought for the worst, however I soon found out that the lessons this virus would soon teach me would be invaluable.
Do I celebrate today as an anniversary? I don’t think having an illness that slowly destroys the immune system is something to celebrate. I don’t want to celebrate being positive however I do cherish everything that I have learned along this journey. I wish I could have found this sense of self worth and being without having to go through such an event, however, life throws us twists and turns along the way. It is how we handle ourselves and move forward that really counts. It is an anniversary for me, one that I will be celebrating for life or until there is a cure, it is not a relationship I ever wanted to be in. My choices got me to where I am, my carelessness, and my ignorance. It is no one else’s fault but mine that I am in the situation I am. I do not place the blame on anyone, as I do not even know who it was that infected me, not that it matters, however I am the reason that I am in the predicament I am in. No one ever asks for this relationship, I know I never did, however we have to live with the consequences of our actions. I do not beat myself up over it, I did something human, and just got an unlucky hand at something millions do on a daily basis.
Today holds many memories for me, not the best ones, however it also is the mark that started a new chapter in my life. I have grown from this virus so much as I have stated before emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I believe that I am a better man today for what I have went through with this virus and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Everything happens for a reason and God will never give someone more than they can bare, this is my cross to carry and I carry it proudly. I just learned that today also is a day in celebration of long term survivors, for me I do not consider myself a LTS, however I have been through a lot for my young age. Surviving 5 years of drug addiction to methamphetamine, surviving necrotizing fasciitis/septic shock, multiple hospitalizations, heart break, and finally an HIV diagnosis. All my circumstances have pushed me forward and I refuse to let anything hold me back or define me as a person. I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that I am still undetectable with my highest cd4 count yet, 1117 and 42 %. My medicine continues to work, I still have a great support system of friends/family/online support that help me daily, and my career is moving forward for me to become a pilot.
I can look at today and look back at all the negatives, however that doesn’t do me any good. HIV certainly did change my life and it is OK to get emotional about it however one day at a time I continue to push forward. There is always someone in a worst off situation, despite how bad we think our situations are. HIV/AIDS is what one makes of it, we can let it destroy us or we can put it in check. I celebrate the fact that I continue to live life, apply what this virus has taught me, my medicine continues to function, and God has blessed me with another day/opportunity to be productive in helping others. June 5th is a day that I will never forget however after I am done with HIV, it will never forget me and the hell I made it go through. I am a fighter, I am a survivor, I am strong, and I will NEVER give up!!! So time to keep pushing on and fighting like a warrior in battle, one more day and one more step towards victory. Cure or no cure, HIV will not every control me again. There is a time to grieve and a time to fight, I choose to continue fighting until my very last breath.
Thanks for all your continued support http://www.positivelite.com and all that have helped me throughout this journey. You all are amazing and through this condition I have met so many wonderful people. HIV/AIDS has been a blessing in disguise, it is something that really taught me to look deep within. I still have my good and bad days, ups and downs, however that is life, HIV positive or not. I laugh, I cry, I smile, and I break down at times. It is ok to fall down in this journey as long as you know how to pick yourself back up and keep moving forward :))) Onward march fellow soldiers. Have a great morning/afternoon/evening wherever in the world you might be.
As always I encourage you to get tested, get educated, and KNOW your status. Knowledge = Power. Feel free to check out the below links if you would like to get in contact with me.